Dear Mrs. Porkins:

I regret that I must write to inform you of the death of your husband, Jek Tono.  He fought bravely for the Alliance to Restore the Republic, logging sixteen confirmed kills in less than 40 hours of flight time.

Jek was a fighter to the end. His last words when it was suggested he eject were “I can handle it.”

Sadly, he could not, in fact, “handle it.”

Don’t feel bad about him not ejecting, though. Due to supply constraints, none of our pilots are issued helmets that cover their faces. That’s terrible, isn’t it? What’s worse is that those poor saps apparently still think they can eject. Another pilot was actually yelling at him “Eject!” Seriously? None you notice you don’t have anything over your face? I don’t get it.

That guy bought the moisture farm, too, by the way.

Fortunately, in spite of the deaths of several fine starfighters like Jek in the Battle of Yavin, our efforts resulted in the successful destruction of the Death Star.  This was largely due to the Millennium Falcon flying in to save the day at the last minute.  Man, who could have seen that coming?  I mean if you’d told me a hundred parsecs ago that the Alliance would only be victorious because it received help from a second-rate smuggler and his Wookie co-pilot, I’d have said you were high. Seriously, what’s next? treaties with giant talking Rastafarian frogs? A race of primitive living teddy-bears beating trained Imperial soldiers? The giant hand of some unseen god inserting creatures into our daily lives and putting words into our mouths years after the fact?

Of course if Captain Solo had agreed to join the attack in the first place, your husband might…

Well.

Awkward.

I understand Jek was very popular with his fellow pilots. His designation in his formation was Red 3, but General Antilles said he and the rest of the squadron often called him “Red 3, 4 and 5” because they felt he had the field value of three pilots.

Rest assured, our loss of Jek was not for nothing.  We destroyed the ultimate power in the universe, after all!  Moreover, we completely disheartened the Empire.  I think we can all sleep easier knowing that there will never be another Death Star, ever, ever again.

With a heavy heart,

General Jan Dodonna

[Submitted by In The Line of Duty’s biggest and possibly only fan, Jason Hoffman. Thanks, Jason!]

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